After the Affair

121. Healing in the Aftermath: A Couple’s Journey Through Infidelity

In this heartfelt episode, we sit down with “Alan” and “Ann” (pseudonyms to protect their privacy) as they candidly share their ongoing journey of healing after infidelity in their 39-year marriage. Their story highlights the complexity of betrayal, the challenges of rebuilding trust, and the resilience required to hold space for one another amidst profound pain.
We delve into:
The emotional fallout of infidelity and the layers of deception.
How low self-esteem and secrecy played a role in Alan’s choices.
Ann’s navigation of conflicting emotions, anger, empathy, sadness, and hope.
The pivotal moments that led them to communicate more openly and authentically.
The role of boundaries, patience, and grace in their path forward.
This conversation is a powerful reminder that healing is rarely linear, but with vulnerability, honesty, and effort, it is possible to rebuild and redefine a relationship.
Reflective Question:
What role does communication play in your healing journey, and how can you create space for both honesty and grace?
Connect with Luke:
Website: www.lifecoachluke.com
Instagram: @mylifecoachluke
Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com
Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

120. Does Secrecy Breed Passion In An Affair?

What is it about an affair that feels so intoxicating? Is it the person, the connection, or is it something else entirely, like secrecy?
In this episode, let’s dive into the psychology and physiology behind the passion that often accompanies infidelity.
Discover how dopamine, adrenaline, and novelty create an addictive emotional cocktail, and why the thrill of secrecy can amplify feelings of desire. But here’s the real question: can that same spark be reignited in a long-term relationship without the secrecy?
We explore:
The brain’s role in fueling passion during an affair.
How “erotic space” and escapism shape the intensity of infidelity.
The connection between limerence and the forbidden nature of affairs.
Practical ways to reignite passion and curiosity in committed relationships.
Whether you’ve experienced an affair, are trying to rebuild your relationship, or simply want to understand how passion works, this episode offers insights and strategies for moving forward authentically.
Reflective Question:
What would it look like to bring curiosity and vulnerability into your relationship to rekindle the spark?
Resources Mentioned:
Episode 25: The Power Of Limerence
"Mating in Captivity" by Esther Perel.
Connect with Luke:
Website: www.lifecoachluke.com
Instagram: @mylifecoachluke
Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com
Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

119. Looking Back to Move Forward After the Affair: The Best of 2024

As we step into 2025, let’s take a moment to reflect on the lessons, insights, and transformative conversations that defined 2024. In this special New Year’s episode, we revisit 12 standout episodes of After the Affair, each one a pivotal moment in exploring healing, growth, and the complexities of relationships after betrayal.
From redefining failure and rebuilding intimacy to challenging societal norms and understanding the emotional impact of anniversaries, this episode is a celebration of how far we’ve come and a reminder of the strength it takes to move forward.
Whether you’ve been with us from the start or you’re tuning in for the first time, this episode is for anyone seeking inspiration, hope, and practical guidance as they navigate the year ahead.
Key Highlights:
67. Facing Failure After Infidelity: Why failure isn’t the end, but the beginning of growth.
69. Intimacy After Betrayal: How trust and connection can be rebuilt after infidelity.
74. The 8 Steps to Healing: A roadmap for recovery, from clarity to growth.
96. Why Being Right Is Destroying Your Relationship: How to shift from winning arguments to building understanding.
98. Trickle Truth: The emotional toll of partial honesty and how to break the cycle.
112. Redefining Manhood: Exploring identity, purpose, and evolving roles in relationships.
Other episodes mentioned: 85, 88, 100, 106, 107, and 118.
Reflective Question:
What lessons from 2024 can you carry forward into 2025 to create a stronger, more authentic version of yourself and your relationships?
If this episode resonates with you, share it with someone who might need a little hope and guidance as they step into the new year. Let’s continue this journey of growth and healing together.
Connect with Luke:
Website: www.lifecoachluke.com
Instagram: @mylifecoachluke
Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com
Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

118. Christmas After Betrayal: Create Something New

Christmas can be a season filled with joy and connection, but for anyone navigating betrayal, it can also bring sadness, loneliness, and longing for what once was. This episode offers a compassionate space to reflect on the challenges of the holiday season while exploring ways to create moments of peace, hope, and even new traditions.
Whether you’re the betrayed partner, the unfaithful partner, or someone facing a Christmas that looks nothing like you imagined, this episode is here to remind you: It’s okay to feel what you’re feeling, and it’s possible to create something meaningful, even amidst the pain.From my heart to yours, Luke Shillings.
Key Takeaways:
Why Christmas often feels harder after betrayal and how to navigate it.
Practical ways to care for yourself and reframe holiday expectations.
How to focus on small, meaningful moments that bring comfort and hope.
A reminder: Healing doesn’t require perfection, just a step forward.
Reflective Question:
What’s one small, meaningful thing you can do for yourself today to create a sense of peace or connection?
If this episode resonates, share it with someone who might need a reminder that they’re not alone this holiday season.
Connect with Luke:
Website: www.lifecoachluke.com
Instagram: @mylifecoachluke
Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com
Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

117. Dealing With The Online Comments Section After Infidelity

The internet can feel like a war zone when you’re looking for answers after betrayal. Whether you’re the betrayed partner or the unfaithful one, scrolling through the comment section can quickly amplify your fears, doubts, and pain. But here’s the truth: those comments don’t define you. They reflect someone else’s pain, biases, and experiences, not your reality.
In this episode, we explore:
Why we’re drawn to online comments when we’re hurting.
How confirmation bias makes the worst comments hit us hardest.
Why the comment section is like a broken mirror, distorting your reflection.
How to protect your emotional and mental health by filtering out harmful noise.
Practical ways to reclaim control and stay grounded in your truth.
If you’ve ever felt overwhelmed, judged, or shattered by what strangers have said online, this episode will help you step back, tune out the noise, and refocus on your healing journey.
Key Takeaways:
Online comments reflect others’ pain, not your truth.
Confirmation bias makes us latch onto the words that reinforce our fears and insecurities.
You don’t need strangers in the comment section to tell you who you are, you already know.
Protecting your mental health means learning to filter harmful input and focus on what serves your healing.
Reflective Question:
Before you scroll, ask yourself: Is this serving my healing, or is it making it harder?
If this episode resonated with you, share it with someone who might need to hear it. And if you’ve found healthier ways to navigate online negativity, let us know—we’re in this together.
Connect with Luke:
Website: www.lifecoachluke.com
Instagram: @mylifecoachluke
Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com
Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

116. Religion and Betrayal: A Match made in Hell

Religion often has a lot to say about infidelity: forgive, stay, move on. But what if these teachings complicate, rather than heal, the emotional devastation of betrayal? In this episode, Luke explores the intersection of faith and infidelity, unpacking the pressures placed on both the betrayed and the unfaithful partner.
We’ll discuss:
How religious expectations can shape the healing journey, for better or worse.
The cultural and societal variations in how infidelity is perceived and judged.
The stigma faced by the unfaithful partner and whether shame helps or hinders growth.
The importance of finding a path to healing that aligns with your values while honouring your emotional truth.
Whether you’re navigating the expectations of your faith or questioning the role of religion in your recovery, this episode is for you. It’s not about judgment; it’s about understanding and finding a way forward.
Key Takeaways:
Religion can offer comfort, but it can also create pressure to forgive and stay in ways that might not align with personal healing.
Cultural and religious norms around infidelity are not universal, there is no single “rulebook” for betrayal.
Both betrayed and unfaithful partners deserve space to process, heal, and grow without being reduced to their worst moments.
Join the Conversation:
What role has your faith played in your healing journey after infidelity?
Connect with Luke:
Website: www.lifecoachluke.com
Instagram: @mylifecoachluke
Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com
Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

115. Staying for the Kids: Parenting After Betrayal

Staying for the kids" is a phrase loaded with expectation and sacrifice. But is staying in a relationship after betrayal truly the noble choice? Or could it be teaching your children lessons about love, self-worth, and authenticity that you never intended?
In this episode of After the Affair, we explore:
The societal mantra of “staying for the kids” and why it’s not always the best path.
The hidden costs of staying in an inauthentic relationship.
How children absorb lessons about love and self-worth from their parents’ actions, not just their words.
The long-term impact of prioritizing emotional health and authenticity over appearances.
This episode is a must-listen for any parent navigating betrayal and wondering how to make the right decision for their family’s future. Join host Luke Shillings as he unpacks the complexities of parenting after infidelity and how to model resilience and authenticity for your children.
🎧 Listen now and discover why your happiness might just be the greatest gift you can give your kids.
Connect with Luke:
Website: www.lifecoachluke.com
Instagram: @mylifecoachluke
Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com
Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

114. Is Porn Even Cheating? with Porn Addiction Coach, Matt Smith

What counts as cheating? For some, it’s clear-cut. For others, it’s a grey area. In this thought-provoking episode, I sit down with porn addiction coach Matt Smith to explore where we draw the line when it comes to pornography and betrayal.
We dive into:
The blurry boundaries of infidelity and porn consumption.
Why shame and secrecy often fuel addiction.
How to start breaking free from cycles of guilt and dependency.
The emotional impact of porn on relationships, and what it means for you.
Whether you’ve experienced betrayal, struggled with shame, or just want to understand your own boundaries better, this episode is for you.
Matt Smith helps men overcome porn addiction and regain control of their lives. Drawing from his own experiences and years of coaching, Matt offers practical tools and kind support. He encourages his clients to understand their urges and find lasting freedom.Matt enjoys guiding men as they uncover the reasons behind their challenges. He helps them break unhealthy patterns and create a life full of confidence and clarity. He believes recovery is not just about stopping a habit; it is about becoming who they want to be.
Links & Resources Mentioned:
Website: https://www.mattsmithcoaching.com/
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/mattsmithcoaching
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/mattsmithcoaching/
Email: matt@mattsmithcoaching.com
If this episode resonated with you, share it with a friend or leave a review on your favourite podcast platform. Your support helps us reach more people who need it.
Connect with Luke:
Website: www.lifecoachluke.com
Instagram: @mylifecoachluke
Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com
Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

113. Emotional Affairs: The Betrayal You Can’t See

Emotional affairs might not leave physical evidence, but their impact can be just as devastating as physical infidelity. In this episode of After the Affair, we dive deep into the hidden world of emotional affairs, the betrayals that happen through private messages, late-night conversations, and intimate connections that cross the boundaries of committed relationships.
We’ll explore:
What exactly defines an emotional affair?
Why emotional betrayal hurts as much as, or even more than, physical cheating.
The unique challenges of rebuilding trust when the affair was "only emotional."
Insights for both betrayed and unfaithful partners navigating the aftermath of an emotional affair.
Whether you’ve experienced emotional infidelity, are trying to understand its complexities, or want to rebuild a relationship affected by it, this episode offers guidance, validation, and actionable insights.
Join host Luke Shillings as he unpacks the betrayal you can’t see—and how to move forward.
Connect with Luke:
Website: www.lifecoachluke.com
Instagram: @mylifecoachluke
Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com
Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

112. Redefining Manhood: Purpose, Identity, and the Role of Infidelity

In this episode of After the Affair, we’re exploring a question that many men find themselves asking but few know how to answer: What does it mean to be a man today?
As gender roles evolve and the traditional definitions of success and purpose shift, men are left to find new ways to build identity, self-worth, and connection.
For some, these uncertainties can lead to choices like infidelity, decisions often rooted in a lack of fulfilment, identity confusion, or the need for external validation.
Join us as we dive into the challenges facing modern men, how traditional roles of provider and protector have transformed, and why a strong sense of purpose is essential in both relationships and self-discovery. This episode isn’t about reclaiming outdated standards but about navigating the complex path of redefining what manhood means today.
Key Takeaways:
The Evolving Role of Men: Why traditional sources of purpose are shifting and what this means for identity and relationships.
Infidelity as a Symptom: How a lack of self-worth and unclear identity can lead to seeking validation outside of a committed relationship.
Finding Fulfillment Beyond Old Roles: New ways men can build purpose that resonates today, through vulnerability, connection, and redefining success.
A Challenge to Reflect: An invitation for listeners to think about what purpose looks like in their own lives, beyond societal expectations.
This episode will leave you with questions, insights, and encouragement to create a path that aligns with who you truly are.
Connect with Luke:
Website: www.lifecoachluke.com
Instagram: @mylifecoachluke
Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com
Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity