After the Affair
The ‘After the affair’ podcast with Luke Shillings is here to help you process, decide, and move forward on purpose following infidelity. Let’s explore what’s required to rebuild trust not only in yourself, but also with others. Whether you stay or leave, I can help! and no matter what your story, there will be something here for you.
Episodes

58 minutes ago
58 minutes ago
Betrayal leaves behind more than heartbreak, it leaves questions that echo in your mind day and night.
“Was it real?”
“Did I miss the signs?”
“Is this my fault?”
“Will I ever trust again?”
In this episode, I, Luke Shillings, walk you through the most common thoughts and questions that come up in the aftermath of infidelity, based on real conversations from hundreds of discovery calls and coaching sessions.
Whether you're feeling stuck in self-doubt, unsure what to believe, or just desperate to feel normal again, this episode is for you. We’ll explore where these thoughts come from, why they’re so persistent, and what it actually takes to rebuild trust, not just in your partner, but in yourself.
💡 Key Takeaways:
You weren’t “stupid” for not seeing it, you were committed.
Betrayal shakes your trust in them and in your own perception.
Feeling hurt without proof doesn’t make you paranoid; it makes you aware.
Emotional safety is rebuilt slowly, and your body decides what safe feels like.
You’re not just mourning the relationship, you’re mourning who you were in it.
Coaching helps you hear yourself again beneath the panic and pain
What’s the question that’s been haunting you most since the betrayal?
Let’s talk about it. Message me on Instagram or share anonymously in the group, because you’re not the only one asking.
Connect with Luke:
Website: www.lifecoachluke.com
Instagram: @mylifecoachluke
Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com
Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

Wednesday May 21, 2025
Wednesday May 21, 2025
Have you ever been told you're too emotional, or secretly believed it yourself?
If conflict overwhelms you, if you shut down or spiral in arguments, if you find yourself apologising just for feeling… this episode is for you.
Luke explores how what looks like emotional reactivity is often a learned survival strategy, rooted in fear, not dysfunction. From childhood patterns to nervous system responses, you'll gain insight into why certain emotions feel unbearable and how to build the capacity to stay with them without losing yourself.
This episode is not about shrinking your feelings.
It’s about expanding your ability to hold them.
🔑 Key Takeaways
Emotional overwhelm in conflict is often rooted in early survival responses
You're not “too much”, you were just never taught how to feel safely
Conflict becomes intolerable when we fear what our emotions mean, not just what they are
Nervous system regulation isn’t about staying calm, it’s about staying connected
Real emotional power is built by staying with your feelings, not controlling the outcome
💬 Reflection Prompt:
What part of you is afraid to feel? And what would it look like to support that part, instead of suppress it?
Connect with Luke:
Website: www.lifecoachluke.com
Instagram: @mylifecoachluke
Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com
Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

Wednesday May 14, 2025
Wednesday May 14, 2025
You know your partner’s betrayal wasn’t your fault.
You understand the logic.
But still, deep down, you’re stuck.
Still needing reassurance. Still bracing for the next emotional shift. Still terrified of being too much, or not enough.
Why?
Because some of what you’re feeling didn’t start with them.
In this episode, Luke explores how emotional survival strategies from childhood shape the way we respond to betrayal, uncertainty, and intimacy as adults. If you’ve been chasing reassurance, battling emotional spirals, or waiting for your partner to give you the peace you can’t seem to find, this episode is for you.
It’s not about blame.
It’s about awareness.
And reclaiming the power you forgot you had.
🔑 Key Takeaways:
✔️ Why betrayal activates old survival wiring, not just current fear
✔️ The truth about reassurance, and why it never lasts
✔️ How emotional outsourcing creates cycles of panic and distance
✔️ The difference between fear of what might happen… and the belief you wouldn’t survive it
✔️ How to build internal trust using the self-coaching model and ladder thoughts
✔️ Why your partner can’t fix wounds they didn’t create, and why you can
💬 Reflection Prompt:
Where in your healing are you still waiting to be saved?
And what might shift if you stopped outsourcing that safety, and started practising it with yourself?
Connect with Luke:
Website: www.lifecoachluke.com
Instagram: @mylifecoachluke
Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com
Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

Wednesday May 07, 2025
Wednesday May 07, 2025
When you suspect infidelity but don’t have the proof, it can feel like you’re living in emotional limbo, caught between your gut and your guilt. In this episode, we unpack the messy, painful, and very human experience of wondering whether something’s going on behind your back.
You’ll learn how to stop spiralling and start grounding, why your feelings are valid even without confirmation, and how to begin reclaiming trust in yourself, no matter what happens next.
If you’re frozen in fear or stuck in overanalysis, this is your lifeline.
You don’t need “proof” to honour your pain, suspicion itself creates emotional distress worth tending to.
Overanalysis feels like control, but often creates more confusion and disconnect from your truth.
Grounding and anchoring practices help shift you from obsession to self-alignment.
The path forward begins by asking: “What do I need?” instead of “What are they hiding?”
Clarity doesn’t always come from answers, it comes from reconnecting with your values, boundaries, and self-trust.
What would it look like to honour yourself in this moment, without needing all the answers? Share your reflections with us or journal about the question:
👉 “What helps me feel more like myself, even in the middle of this?”
Connect with Luke:
Website: www.lifecoachluke.com
Instagram: @mylifecoachluke
Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com
Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

Wednesday Apr 30, 2025
Wednesday Apr 30, 2025
When betrayal shatters your world, knowing where to start can feel overwhelming.
In this episode, Luke breaks down a simple yet powerful framework to help you regain clarity, direction, and strength, The ABCs of Infidelity Recovery: Acceptance, Boundaries, Compassion.
These three pillars aren’t just concepts. They’re tools.
Tools to help you stay grounded when your emotions spiral.
Tools to help you protect yourself, reconnect with your truth, and create healing on your own terms.
Whether you're rebuilding your relationship or choosing a new path, this episode offers the emotional clarity you’ve been craving.
🔑 Key Takeaways:
✔️ What real acceptance looks like, and why it’s not the same as approval or resignation
✔️ How to set boundaries that come from self-respect, not fear
✔️ Why self-compassion is foundational to lasting emotional recovery
✔️ How these three principles work together to create momentum and healing
✔️ A practical way to return to clarity when you feel stuck or overwhelmed
💬 Reflection Question:
Which of the ABCs do you find hardest to practice right now, and what’s one small way you can lean into it today?
Connect with Luke:
Website: www.lifecoachluke.com
Instagram: @mylifecoachluke
Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com
Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

Wednesday Apr 23, 2025
Wednesday Apr 23, 2025
You were the one who was lied to.
The one who was betrayed.
And yet somehow… you’re the one walking on eggshells.
Afraid to say too much.
Afraid to bring it up again.
Afraid of looking paranoid, insecure, or like you're the problem.
If you’ve ever told yourself, “I can’t say anything,” this episode is for you.
In today’s conversation, Luke explores the hidden fear many betrayed partners carry, the fear of speaking their truth. Whether you’re still in the relationship or not, if you’ve been silencing your voice to protect someone else’s comfort or to avoid the pain of confirmation, this episode will meet you right where you are.
Because silence might feel safer…
But it comes at the cost of your clarity, your peace, and your self-trust.
🔑 Key Takeaways:
✔️ Why betrayed partners often feel silenced, before and after discovery
✔️ How fear creates a story that keeps you stuck in shame and self-doubt
✔️ What actually happens when you finally speak your truth
✔️ Why your voice matters, no matter what they did
✔️ The first small steps to reclaim your truth without letting fear take the lead
💬 Reflection Question:
Where have you been silencing yourself out of fear, and what might change if you let your truth be heard?
Connect with Luke:
Website: www.lifecoachluke.com
Instagram: @mylifecoachluke
Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com
Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

Wednesday Apr 16, 2025
Wednesday Apr 16, 2025
There are moments when it all feels like too much, when the pain of betrayal, the weight of healing, or the sheer exhaustion of trying to hold it together leaves you questioning your strength.
In those moments, the most important decision you can make is not to fight harder, or fix everything, or know exactly what to do.
The most important decision is to not abandon yourself.
In this episode, Luke offers a deeply grounded reminder:
You don’t have to be fully healed to keep going.
You don’t need all the answers to stay.
But you do need to stay in the room with yourself.
This is your invitation to light a candle in the dark, to choose presence over escape, and to remember, you are worth not giving up on.
🔑 Key Takeaways:
✔️ Why our instinct is to check out or overfunction when things get hard
✔️ The lie pain tells us about our worth and capacity
✔️ What it actually means to “stay in the room” with yourself
✔️ How small acts of self-loyalty build resilience and self-trust
✔️ A grounding metaphor to carry with you in your lowest moments
💬 Reflection Question:
What’s one small way you can stay with yourself today, especially if you feel like giving up?
Connect with Luke:
Website: www.lifecoachluke.com
Instagram: @mylifecoachluke
Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com
Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

Wednesday Apr 09, 2025
Wednesday Apr 09, 2025
After betrayal, it’s natural to want answers.
Will they cheat again?
Will we make it through this?
Will I ever feel okay again?
We fixate on the outcome, hoping that if we could just know where this ends, we’d finally be able to breathe.
But in this episode, Luke explores a powerful truth:
Clarity doesn’t come from predicting the future, it comes from how you show up in the present.
Letting go of the outcome isn’t about giving up, it’s about reclaiming your peace, your power, and your presence. Because the most important question isn’t “What will happen?”, it’s “Who do I want to become in this?”
This episode is an invitation to stop gripping the wheel of a parked car, and to start living from a place of grounded self-trust—even when the ending is still unknown.
🔑 Key Takeaways:
✔️ Why your brain clings to control after betrayal
✔️ The illusion of “future tripping” and why it leads to anxiety
✔️ What letting go of the outcome really means—and what it doesn’t
✔️ The shift from obsessing over outcomes to embodying presence
✔️ A grounding practice you can try today to return to now
💬 Reflection Question:
If you let go of needing to know the outcome…
how would you start showing up differently today?
Connect with Luke:
Website: www.lifecoachluke.com
Instagram: @mylifecoachluke
Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com
Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

Wednesday Apr 02, 2025
Wednesday Apr 02, 2025
After betrayal, many people feel like they’re walking around under a spotlight, like everyone is watching, whispering, judging. But here’s the truth: it’s not always their judgement that holds you back, it’s your perception of it.
In this episode, Luke unpacks how imagined judgement can shape your behaviour, limit your authenticity, and keep you stuck in cycles of shame and silence. More importantly, he reveals how to reclaim your voice and your freedom by learning to question the real critic, the one inside.
Whether you’re the betrayed or the unfaithful partner, or just someone carrying shame and fear about what others think… this episode will help you reconnect with the only opinion that truly matters: your own.
🎯 Key Takeaways:
✔️ The psychology behind the “spotlight effect” and projection bias.
✔️ Why our own inner critic often speaks louder than real external judgment.
✔️ How shame leads to self-abandonment in relationships and beyond.
✔️ Luke’s personal experience with masking vulnerability in his relationship.
✔️ Practical tools to reframe the stories you tell yourself and show up more authentically.
💬 Reflection Question:
If no one else’s opinion mattered… how would you show up differently?
Connect with Luke:
Website: www.lifecoachluke.com
Instagram: @mylifecoachluke
Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com
Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

Wednesday Mar 26, 2025
Wednesday Mar 26, 2025
We’re wired to crave certainty. Especially after betrayal, when everything familiar suddenly feels fragile, we reach for something solid, answers, guarantees, anything that promises safety.
But here’s the truth: You don’t need certainty to heal. You need self-trust.
In this episode, we explore how your relationship with uncertainty is the very foundation of growth, clarity, and transformation. Because while control might feel comforting, real peace comes from knowing you can handle the unknown, even without a clear map.
Whether you’re asking “Should I stay or go?”, “Will I ever be okay?”, or “How do I know they won’t do it again?”—this conversation is for you.
Key Takeaways:
✔️ Why your brain craves certainty, and how that instinct can keep you stuck.
✔️ The emotional cost of trying to control outcomes you can’t guarantee.
✔️ How clinging to the familiar blocks growth, healing, and self-discovery.
✔️ Why self-trust matters more than clarity—and how to build it.
✔️ A simple mindset shift to help you walk with the unknown instead of fighting it.
💬 Reflection question: Where are you waiting for certainty before taking action? What’s one courageous step you could take without needing the whole map?
Connect with Luke:
Website: www.lifecoachluke.com
Instagram: @mylifecoachluke
Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com
Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity