After the Affair

131. Healing Requires Uncertainty – Learning to Trust What You Can’t See

We’re wired to crave certainty. Especially after betrayal, when everything familiar suddenly feels fragile, we reach for something solid, answers, guarantees, anything that promises safety.
But here’s the truth: You don’t need certainty to heal. You need self-trust.
In this episode, we explore how your relationship with uncertainty is the very foundation of growth, clarity, and transformation. Because while control might feel comforting, real peace comes from knowing you can handle the unknown, even without a clear map.
Whether you’re asking “Should I stay or go?”, “Will I ever be okay?”, or “How do I know they won’t do it again?”—this conversation is for you.
Key Takeaways:
✔️ Why your brain craves certainty, and how that instinct can keep you stuck.
✔️ The emotional cost of trying to control outcomes you can’t guarantee.
✔️ How clinging to the familiar blocks growth, healing, and self-discovery.
✔️ Why self-trust matters more than clarity—and how to build it.
✔️ A simple mindset shift to help you walk with the unknown instead of fighting it.
💬 Reflection question: Where are you waiting for certainty before taking action? What’s one courageous step you could take without needing the whole map?
Connect with Luke:
Website: www.lifecoachluke.com
Instagram: @mylifecoachluke
Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com
Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

130. It’s TIME To Do Something Different After Betrayal

We all say we don’t want to waste time, yet most of us do, especially after infidelity. We get stuck in waiting: waiting for clarity, waiting for healing, waiting for someone else to change. But here’s the truth: time is the only resource you can’t get back.
Imagine if every morning, you were given £1,440 to spend, but by midnight, anything left unused disappeared forever. Would you waste it? Would you ignore it? Would you give it away carelessly?
That’s exactly how time works. You get 1,440 minutes a day, and whatever you don’t use with intention is gone forever.
In this episode, we explore:
✔️ The currency of time, how we spend it, waste it, and give it away without realising it.
✔️ Why waiting is an illusion and how it keeps you stuck in post-infidelity limbo.
✔️ How to stop ‘saving’ time for later and start spending it wisely—right now.
✔️ The biggest mindset shift to reclaim control over your future.
💬 Question for you: What’s one way you’ve been wasting time that you’re ready to change?
Connect with Luke:
Website: www.lifecoachluke.com
Instagram: @mylifecoachluke
Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com
Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

129. You Don’t Have to Stay, Leave, or Forgive: You Only Have to Choose

After infidelity, it’s easy to feel like you have to do something, have to leave, have to stay and fix things, have to forgive to move on. Society, family, and even your own mind push you to believe there’s a “right” decision you must make.
But here’s the truth: You don’t have to do anything. You only have to choose.
In this episode, we break down the illusion of obligation, why so many people feel trapped in expectations about healing, forgiveness, and reconciliation, and how to shift from feeling forced to feeling free. Because once you realise that everything is a choice, you stop being a victim of betrayal and start reclaiming your power.
Key Takeaways:
✔️ The difference between true needs and false obligations, why most things you think you must do are actually choices.
✔️ How ‘shoulds’ (I should forgive, I should move on) are just internalized expectations—not universal truths.
✔️ Why waiting for clarity is actually a fear response keeping you stuck in limbo.
✔️ How to break free from guilt-driven decision-making and start making choices that align with your values.
✔️ A simple mindset shift that will give you back control over your healing process.
💬 Question for you: Have you ever felt pressured to make a decision about infidelity recovery before you were ready? How did that impact your healing? Drop a comment or DM me, I’d love to hear your thoughts.
Connect with Luke:
Website: www.lifecoachluke.com
Instagram: @mylifecoachluke
Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com
Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

128. Was the Affair Partner Better? The Truth About Comparison

After infidelity, it’s almost impossible not to compare yourself to the affair partner. Were they more attractive? More exciting? Did they have something you didn’t? The mind starts ranking you against them, like a game of Top Trumps, where someone’s ‘stats’ must be higher.
But here’s the truth: this mindset is a trap.
In this episode, join me Luke Shillings as I break down why we compare ourselves to the affair partner, why it makes us feel worse, and how to stop measuring our worth based on someone else’s actions. Because the reality is, infidelity isn’t about someone being ‘better’, it’s about circumstances, unmet needs, and choices.
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “What do they have that I don’t?”—this episode is for you.
Key Takeaways:
✔️ Why we instinctively compare ourselves to the affair partner.
✔️ The Top Trumps Effect—why we rank ourselves in different ‘categories’ of worth.
✔️ The illusion of ‘better’—why affair partners aren’t the reason for the betrayal.
✔️ How to shift from comparison to confidence in your self-worth.
✔️ Practical steps to stop the self-doubt spiral.
💬 Question for you: Have you found yourself stuck in comparison? How did you shift out of it? Drop a comment or DM me, I’d love to hear your thoughts.
Connect with Luke:
Website: www.lifecoachluke.com
Instagram: @mylifecoachluke
Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com
Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

127. Desire vs. Choice: Understanding the Power You Have in an Affair

Desire can feel overwhelming, especially when you’re caught up in an affair or emotional connection outside your primary relationship. It can seem like the attraction is uncontrollable like you have no say in what you feel. But what if I told you that while desire may not be a choice, what you do with it always is?
In this episode, we’re diving deep into the relationship between desire and choice. Whether you're struggling with an affair or facing unrequited love, this episode is all about regaining control. We’ll explore how to acknowledge your emotions without letting them define your actions, and how to make decisions that align with your values, not just your feelings.
Key Takeaways:
✔️ Desire is instinctive, but choice is always in your hands.
✔️ Why people in affairs or toxic relationships often feel like they have no control—and how to reclaim it.
✔️ The emotional brain vs. the rational brain: Why attraction and action aren’t the same thing.
✔️ How to separate what you feel from what you do, and why it matters for your future.
✔️ Steps to take back control of your relationships, values, and actions moving forward.
💬 Question for you: How have you navigated feelings of desire in your relationships? How did you handle the balance between attraction and choice? Drop a comment or reach out, let's talk!
Connect with Luke:
Website: www.lifecoachluke.com
Instagram: @mylifecoachluke
Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com
Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

126. Betrayal and The Male Ego: Rebuilding After the Ultimate Blow

Betrayal isn’t just about broken trust, it’s about identity. For many men, their sense of self is built on strength, control, and loyalty. But when infidelity happens, it doesn’t just hurt, it threatens everything they thought they knew about themselves.
In this episode, I explore the ego’s role in betrayal recovery, why the pain runs so deep, and how to shift from ego-driven reactions (anger, control, blame) to true healing. If you’ve ever felt like infidelity shattered who you are, this conversation is for you.
Key Takeaways:
✔️ The male ego and how it shapes our response to betrayal.
✔️ Why infidelity often feels like an identity crisis, not just a relationship issue.
✔️ How ego-driven reactions (denial, control, revenge) keep you stuck.
✔️ Shifting from What does this say about me? to Who do I choose to be now?
✔️ Rebuilding self-trust and moving beyond external validation.
💬 Question for you: How has betrayal challenged your sense of identity?
Connect with Luke:
Website: www.lifecoachluke.com
Instagram: @mylifecoachluke
Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com
Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

125. Stuck Between Two Choices: Here’s What You’re Missing With Binary Thinking

Feeling trapped between two impossible choices? Whether it’s staying in a relationship after betrayal or walking away, deciding whether to tell the full truth or keep things buried, or any other major life decision, binary thinking can make it seem like there are only two options, when, in reality, there are more.
In this episode, I explore how black-and-white thinking limits your ability to make the best decision for your future, why your brain naturally defaults to false dilemmas, and how to open up new possibilities that you might not have considered.
What You’ll Learn:
Why binary thinking feels so real, and why it’s rarely accurate.
How emotions can distort the way you see your choices.
The impact of cognitive rigidity on decision-making, especially after infidelity.
How to step back and find third (or fourth) options that align better with your personal needs.
Practical exercises to help you break free from “either/or” thinking and make more empowered decisions.
Key Takeaways:
🔹 If you feel stuck between two extremes, it’s likely you’re missing other paths forward.
🔹 High-stakes emotions make decisions feel urgent, but taking time to explore alternative perspectives reduces pressure and increases clarity.
🔹 There are often creative, flexible solutions that don’t require you to conform to societal expectations of what “should” happen.
🔹 By expanding your perspective, you gain control over your choices rather than feeling trapped by them.
Next time you feel stuck between two options, challenge yourself to come up with at least three alternative choices. They don’t have to be perfect, but simply allowing your mind to expand beyond "this or that" can open doors to better possibilities.
🎧 Tune in now to break free from binary thinking and start making decisions that truly align with YOU.
Connect with Luke:
Website: www.lifecoachluke.com
Instagram: @mylifecoachluke
Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com
Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

124. Advanced Guide to Thinking After Betrayal: The Bookshop and Publisher

What if you could curate your thoughts like a bookshop owner curates their shelves? In this episode of After the Affair, I explore the power of intentional thinking using the metaphor of a bookshop. Your thoughts, like books, fill the shelves of your mind, but not all of them deserve to be displayed prominently. Some belong in the archives, while others should be highlighted as bestsellers.
We’ll talk about how to manage your mental library after betrayal, replacing self-defeating narratives with ones that support growth and healing. I’ll introduce you to two roles you play in your mental world: the Bookshop Owner and the Publisher, each with a critical role in shaping the way you process pain and move forward.
If you’ve been stuck in repetitive, painful thoughts after betrayal, this episode will help you rethink the stories you’ve been telling yourself and show you how to start rewriting them.
Key Takeaways:
Curate Your Mental Shelves: Identify thoughts that uplift and support you, and clear out the ones that keep you stuck in pain.
Meet Your Inner Publisher: Review raw thoughts and refine them into beliefs that reflect your values and support healing.
Challenge Self-Limiting Narratives: Replace thoughts like "I'm not good enough" with more compassionate, growth-oriented alternatives.
The Power of Thoughtful Reflection: Healing requires intention, curiosity, and compassion, not perfection.
Regular Shelf Maintenance: Learn how daily, weekly, and long-term reflection can help you maintain a mental environment conducive to growth.
Reflective Question:
Which of your current thoughts deserve to be on display, and which are taking up space without serving you?
Join the Conversation:
What thought have you been displaying prominently that you’d like to replace with something new? Share your reflections with me on social media or in the After the Affair community.
Download your FREE bookshop guide to thinking here: https://api.leadconnectorhq.com/widget/form/uQxbaujnnELzSJFMgRLq
Connect with Luke:
Website: www.lifecoachluke.com
Instagram: @mylifecoachluke
Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com
Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

123. Confirmation Bias: Are You Seeking What You Fear After Infidelity?

Do you ever feel like the evidence for your worst fears is everywhere? Whether it’s comments on social media or your own inner dialogue, it can feel impossible to escape the idea that you’ll never heal, your relationship is doomed, or you’re simply unworthy of love.
But here’s the truth: what you’re experiencing isn’t reality, it’s confirmation bias.
In this episode, we’re breaking down how confirmation bias works, how it keeps you stuck in cycles of fear and self-doubt, and most importantly, how to break free. You’ll learn practical steps to challenge fear-driven thoughts, see situations more clearly, and replace negativity with balanced perspectives that fuel growth and healing.
If you’re tired of being trapped by your fears, this episode will show you how to take back control.
Key Points & Takeaways:
What is Confirmation Bias?
A cognitive shortcut where we subconsciously favour information that supports our existing beliefs, even if those beliefs are harmful or untrue.
Quote: "The eye sees only what the mind is prepared to comprehend." — Robertson Davies.
The Impact of Confirmation Bias:
Keeps you stuck in cycles of fear, self-doubt, and guilt.
Reinforces harmful beliefs like, “I’ll never recover,” or “This relationship is doomed.”
Blocks opportunities for growth and healing by ignoring evidence that contradicts your fears.
Breaking Free from the Fear Trap:
Awareness: Notice when you’re seeking out proof of your fears instead of truth.
Challenge the Thought: Ask yourself, “Is there evidence against this belief?”
Seek Balanced Perspectives: Surround yourself with voices and resources that encourage growth, not just validation of negativity.
Big Idea: What you focus on grows. By challenging confirmation bias, you can break free from fear-driven cycles and embrace healing and personal growth.
This week, challenge yourself to catch one fear-driven thought and ask:
Is there evidence against this belief that I’m ignoring?
What’s one positive perspective I can explore instead?
What would I tell a friend in my situation?
Share your experience with me in the After the Affair Community on Facebook, or message me on Instagram. Let’s work on breaking these patterns together.
 
Connect with Luke:
Website: www.lifecoachluke.com
Instagram: @mylifecoachluke
Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com
Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

122. You Have Built A Glass Wall: And It Is Keeping You Stuck

In this episode of After the Affair, we explore a powerful metaphor, the “glass wall.” It’s the invisible barrier that betrayed partners often build after infidelity. From the outside, it looks like openness and connection, but from the inside, it’s a shield, keeping you emotionally safe but painfully disconnected.
We’ll unpack how these walls form, how they evolve from solid brick to deceptive glass and the signs that you might still be behind one. Most importantly, we’ll discuss how to start dismantling the glass wall, brick by brick, to foster true vulnerability, connection, and healing in your relationship.
Whether you’re a betrayed, or unfaithful partner, this episode is a must-listen for anyone navigating the complexities of rebuilding trust and intimacy after betrayal.
Key Takeaways:
The progression from a brick wall to a glass wall: why it happens and how it impacts relationships.
Signs you’re living behind a glass wall and how it might keep you stuck in pain.
Why safety can feel comforting but comes at the cost of connection and intimacy.
Practical strategies to recognize and begin dismantling the emotional barriers that prevent true healing.
Reflective Questions:
Do you feel emotionally safe but disconnected in your relationship?
Are there walls—brick or glass—that you’ve built to protect yourself?
What small step could you take this week toward vulnerability and connection?
Connect with Luke:
Website: www.lifecoachluke.com
Instagram: @mylifecoachluke
Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com
Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity