After the Affair

135. You Were Betrayed: But Somehow You’re the One Afraid to Talk

You were the one who was lied to.
The one who was betrayed.
And yet somehow… you’re the one walking on eggshells.
Afraid to say too much.
Afraid to bring it up again.
Afraid of looking paranoid, insecure, or like you're the problem.
If you’ve ever told yourself, “I can’t say anything,” this episode is for you.
In today’s conversation, Luke explores the hidden fear many betrayed partners carry, the fear of speaking their truth. Whether you’re still in the relationship or not, if you’ve been silencing your voice to protect someone else’s comfort or to avoid the pain of confirmation, this episode will meet you right where you are.
Because silence might feel safer…
But it comes at the cost of your clarity, your peace, and your self-trust.
🔑 Key Takeaways:
✔️ Why betrayed partners often feel silenced, before and after discovery
✔️ How fear creates a story that keeps you stuck in shame and self-doubt
✔️ What actually happens when you finally speak your truth
✔️ Why your voice matters, no matter what they did
✔️ The first small steps to reclaim your truth without letting fear take the lead
💬 Reflection Question:
Where have you been silencing yourself out of fear, and what might change if you let your truth be heard?
Connect with Luke:
Website: www.lifecoachluke.com
Instagram: @mylifecoachluke
Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com
Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

134. Betrayed and Ready to Give Up? Listen to this First

There are moments when it all feels like too much, when the pain of betrayal, the weight of healing, or the sheer exhaustion of trying to hold it together leaves you questioning your strength.
In those moments, the most important decision you can make is not to fight harder, or fix everything, or know exactly what to do.
The most important decision is to not abandon yourself.
In this episode, Luke offers a deeply grounded reminder:
You don’t have to be fully healed to keep going.
You don’t need all the answers to stay.
But you do need to stay in the room with yourself.
This is your invitation to light a candle in the dark, to choose presence over escape, and to remember, you are worth not giving up on.
🔑 Key Takeaways:
✔️ Why our instinct is to check out or overfunction when things get hard
✔️ The lie pain tells us about our worth and capacity
✔️ What it actually means to “stay in the room” with yourself
✔️ How small acts of self-loyalty build resilience and self-trust
✔️ A grounding metaphor to carry with you in your lowest moments
💬 Reflection Question:
What’s one small way you can stay with yourself today, especially if you feel like giving up?
Connect with Luke:
Website: www.lifecoachluke.com
Instagram: @mylifecoachluke
Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com
Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

133. Letting Go of the Outcome in Infidelity Recovery

After betrayal, it’s natural to want answers.
Will they cheat again?
Will we make it through this?
Will I ever feel okay again?
We fixate on the outcome, hoping that if we could just know where this ends, we’d finally be able to breathe.
But in this episode, Luke explores a powerful truth:
Clarity doesn’t come from predicting the future, it comes from how you show up in the present.
Letting go of the outcome isn’t about giving up, it’s about reclaiming your peace, your power, and your presence. Because the most important question isn’t “What will happen?”, it’s “Who do I want to become in this?”
This episode is an invitation to stop gripping the wheel of a parked car, and to start living from a place of grounded self-trust—even when the ending is still unknown.
🔑 Key Takeaways:
✔️ Why your brain clings to control after betrayal
✔️ The illusion of “future tripping” and why it leads to anxiety
✔️ What letting go of the outcome really means—and what it doesn’t
✔️ The shift from obsessing over outcomes to embodying presence
✔️ A grounding practice you can try today to return to now
💬 Reflection Question:
If you let go of needing to know the outcome…
how would you start showing up differently today?
Connect with Luke:
Website: www.lifecoachluke.com
Instagram: @mylifecoachluke
Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com
Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

132. I’ve Been Cheated On and Everyone Is Judging Me... I Think

After betrayal, many people feel like they’re walking around under a spotlight, like everyone is watching, whispering, judging. But here’s the truth: it’s not always their judgement that holds you back, it’s your perception of it.
In this episode, Luke unpacks how imagined judgement can shape your behaviour, limit your authenticity, and keep you stuck in cycles of shame and silence. More importantly, he reveals how to reclaim your voice and your freedom by learning to question the real critic, the one inside.
Whether you’re the betrayed or the unfaithful partner, or just someone carrying shame and fear about what others think… this episode will help you reconnect with the only opinion that truly matters: your own.
🎯 Key Takeaways:
✔️ The psychology behind the “spotlight effect” and projection bias.
✔️ Why our own inner critic often speaks louder than real external judgment.
✔️ How shame leads to self-abandonment in relationships and beyond.
✔️ Luke’s personal experience with masking vulnerability in his relationship.
✔️ Practical tools to reframe the stories you tell yourself and show up more authentically.
💬 Reflection Question:
If no one else’s opinion mattered… how would you show up differently?
Connect with Luke:
Website: www.lifecoachluke.com
Instagram: @mylifecoachluke
Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com
Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

131. Healing Requires Uncertainty – Learning to Trust What You Can’t See

We’re wired to crave certainty. Especially after betrayal, when everything familiar suddenly feels fragile, we reach for something solid, answers, guarantees, anything that promises safety.
But here’s the truth: You don’t need certainty to heal. You need self-trust.
In this episode, we explore how your relationship with uncertainty is the very foundation of growth, clarity, and transformation. Because while control might feel comforting, real peace comes from knowing you can handle the unknown, even without a clear map.
Whether you’re asking “Should I stay or go?”, “Will I ever be okay?”, or “How do I know they won’t do it again?”—this conversation is for you.
Key Takeaways:
✔️ Why your brain craves certainty, and how that instinct can keep you stuck.
✔️ The emotional cost of trying to control outcomes you can’t guarantee.
✔️ How clinging to the familiar blocks growth, healing, and self-discovery.
✔️ Why self-trust matters more than clarity—and how to build it.
✔️ A simple mindset shift to help you walk with the unknown instead of fighting it.
💬 Reflection question: Where are you waiting for certainty before taking action? What’s one courageous step you could take without needing the whole map?
Connect with Luke:
Website: www.lifecoachluke.com
Instagram: @mylifecoachluke
Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com
Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

130. It’s TIME To Do Something Different After Betrayal

We all say we don’t want to waste time, yet most of us do, especially after infidelity. We get stuck in waiting: waiting for clarity, waiting for healing, waiting for someone else to change. But here’s the truth: time is the only resource you can’t get back.
Imagine if every morning, you were given £1,440 to spend, but by midnight, anything left unused disappeared forever. Would you waste it? Would you ignore it? Would you give it away carelessly?
That’s exactly how time works. You get 1,440 minutes a day, and whatever you don’t use with intention is gone forever.
In this episode, we explore:
✔️ The currency of time, how we spend it, waste it, and give it away without realising it.
✔️ Why waiting is an illusion and how it keeps you stuck in post-infidelity limbo.
✔️ How to stop ‘saving’ time for later and start spending it wisely—right now.
✔️ The biggest mindset shift to reclaim control over your future.
💬 Question for you: What’s one way you’ve been wasting time that you’re ready to change?
Connect with Luke:
Website: www.lifecoachluke.com
Instagram: @mylifecoachluke
Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com
Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

129. You Don’t Have to Stay, Leave, or Forgive: You Only Have to Choose

After infidelity, it’s easy to feel like you have to do something, have to leave, have to stay and fix things, have to forgive to move on. Society, family, and even your own mind push you to believe there’s a “right” decision you must make.
But here’s the truth: You don’t have to do anything. You only have to choose.
In this episode, we break down the illusion of obligation, why so many people feel trapped in expectations about healing, forgiveness, and reconciliation, and how to shift from feeling forced to feeling free. Because once you realise that everything is a choice, you stop being a victim of betrayal and start reclaiming your power.
Key Takeaways:
✔️ The difference between true needs and false obligations, why most things you think you must do are actually choices.
✔️ How ‘shoulds’ (I should forgive, I should move on) are just internalized expectations—not universal truths.
✔️ Why waiting for clarity is actually a fear response keeping you stuck in limbo.
✔️ How to break free from guilt-driven decision-making and start making choices that align with your values.
✔️ A simple mindset shift that will give you back control over your healing process.
💬 Question for you: Have you ever felt pressured to make a decision about infidelity recovery before you were ready? How did that impact your healing? Drop a comment or DM me, I’d love to hear your thoughts.
Connect with Luke:
Website: www.lifecoachluke.com
Instagram: @mylifecoachluke
Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com
Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

128. Was the Affair Partner Better? The Truth About Comparison

After infidelity, it’s almost impossible not to compare yourself to the affair partner. Were they more attractive? More exciting? Did they have something you didn’t? The mind starts ranking you against them, like a game of Top Trumps, where someone’s ‘stats’ must be higher.
But here’s the truth: this mindset is a trap.
In this episode, join me Luke Shillings as I break down why we compare ourselves to the affair partner, why it makes us feel worse, and how to stop measuring our worth based on someone else’s actions. Because the reality is, infidelity isn’t about someone being ‘better’, it’s about circumstances, unmet needs, and choices.
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “What do they have that I don’t?”—this episode is for you.
Key Takeaways:
✔️ Why we instinctively compare ourselves to the affair partner.
✔️ The Top Trumps Effect—why we rank ourselves in different ‘categories’ of worth.
✔️ The illusion of ‘better’—why affair partners aren’t the reason for the betrayal.
✔️ How to shift from comparison to confidence in your self-worth.
✔️ Practical steps to stop the self-doubt spiral.
💬 Question for you: Have you found yourself stuck in comparison? How did you shift out of it? Drop a comment or DM me, I’d love to hear your thoughts.
Connect with Luke:
Website: www.lifecoachluke.com
Instagram: @mylifecoachluke
Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com
Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

127. Desire vs. Choice: Understanding the Power You Have in an Affair

Desire can feel overwhelming, especially when you’re caught up in an affair or emotional connection outside your primary relationship. It can seem like the attraction is uncontrollable like you have no say in what you feel. But what if I told you that while desire may not be a choice, what you do with it always is?
In this episode, we’re diving deep into the relationship between desire and choice. Whether you're struggling with an affair or facing unrequited love, this episode is all about regaining control. We’ll explore how to acknowledge your emotions without letting them define your actions, and how to make decisions that align with your values, not just your feelings.
Key Takeaways:
✔️ Desire is instinctive, but choice is always in your hands.
✔️ Why people in affairs or toxic relationships often feel like they have no control—and how to reclaim it.
✔️ The emotional brain vs. the rational brain: Why attraction and action aren’t the same thing.
✔️ How to separate what you feel from what you do, and why it matters for your future.
✔️ Steps to take back control of your relationships, values, and actions moving forward.
💬 Question for you: How have you navigated feelings of desire in your relationships? How did you handle the balance between attraction and choice? Drop a comment or reach out, let's talk!
Connect with Luke:
Website: www.lifecoachluke.com
Instagram: @mylifecoachluke
Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com
Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

126. Betrayal and The Male Ego: Rebuilding After the Ultimate Blow

Betrayal isn’t just about broken trust, it’s about identity. For many men, their sense of self is built on strength, control, and loyalty. But when infidelity happens, it doesn’t just hurt, it threatens everything they thought they knew about themselves.
In this episode, I explore the ego’s role in betrayal recovery, why the pain runs so deep, and how to shift from ego-driven reactions (anger, control, blame) to true healing. If you’ve ever felt like infidelity shattered who you are, this conversation is for you.
Key Takeaways:
✔️ The male ego and how it shapes our response to betrayal.
✔️ Why infidelity often feels like an identity crisis, not just a relationship issue.
✔️ How ego-driven reactions (denial, control, revenge) keep you stuck.
✔️ Shifting from What does this say about me? to Who do I choose to be now?
✔️ Rebuilding self-trust and moving beyond external validation.
💬 Question for you: How has betrayal challenged your sense of identity?
Connect with Luke:
Website: www.lifecoachluke.com
Instagram: @mylifecoachluke
Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com
Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity