After the Affair

The ‘After the affair’ podcast with Luke Shillings is here to help you process, decide, and move forward on purpose following infidelity. Let’s explore what’s required to rebuild trust not only in yourself, but also with others. Whether you stay or leave, I can help! and no matter what your story, there will be something here for you.

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6 days ago

Why don't affairs last?Drawing on both research and personal experiences, join me, Luke Shillings as I discuss the psychological, emotional, and social factors that contribute to the inherent instability of relationships that begin as affairs. Allow me to unpack the foundations of trust, the escape mechanism, emotional tolls, and the broader impacts of secrecy and isolation that define and often doom such relationships.
What You'll Learn:
The Reality of Affairs: Understand the statistical likelihood of affairs turning into lasting relationships and why the odds are low.
Trust Issues: Discover how the initial deceit in an affair can continue to affect trust even when the relationship comes into the open.
Escapism and Consequences: Explore how affairs often serve as an escape from existing problems, which eventually resurface in the new relationship.
Social and Emotional Isolation: Learn about the isolation that accompanies affairs and how it affects relationship dynamics.
Emotional Costs: Consider the psychological and emotional strain that secrecy exerts on all parties involved in an affair.
Paths to Healing: Gain insights into how understanding these factors can be a crucial step in the healing process for anyone impacted by infidelity.
Episode Resources:
Personalised 1:1 Coaching: I can help you build a future you can trust. Visit the website to learn more - www.lifecoachlukecom
Additional Reading: Explore articles including: Why Do People Cheat? -
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If you found this episode enlightening or think it could help someone you know, don't hesitate to subscribe for more deep dives into relationship dynamics and share this episode with others. Your support helps us reach and help more people through tough times.
Connect with Me:
Social Media: Follow us on Facebook and Instagram @mylifecoachluke for updates, tips, and community discussions.

Wednesday May 08, 2024

Ever feel like you're fumbling in the dark when it comes to relationships? You're not alone. Many of us never received a clear guide on how to manage and nurture our romantic partnerships. This episode of "After the Affair" serves as your missing manual to better understand the basics of romantic relationships.
What You'll Learn:
Communication Essentials: Discover the art of effective communication, from active listening to avoiding common pitfalls like assumptions and passive aggression.
Setting Expectations and Boundaries: Learn how to set realistic expectations and healthy boundaries, the silent builders of strong relationships.
Conflict Resolution: Get practical tips on handling disagreements constructively without losing your cool.
Emotional Intelligence: Find out how to enhance your emotional intelligence to better understand and connect with your partner.
Understanding Love Languages: Explore the five love languages and how recognising your partner’s primary language can transform your relationship.
Maintaining Individuality: Uncover the importance of preserving your own identity and how it contributes to a healthier, more balanced partnership.
Featured Segments:
Why You Suck at Relationships: A candid look at the common areas where many of us falter in romantic relationships and why.
Building Blocks of a Better Relationship: Step-by-step guide on mastering the foundational aspects that lead to a fulfilling and enduring relationship.
Work with Luke:
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Wednesday May 01, 2024

In this episode of "After the Affair," Caz Grant joins me to explore the intricacies of infidelity within the context of military life. We delve into how the unique challenges of the military lifestyle can impact personal relationships and communication, leading to profound isolation and unmet needs.
Caz shares her personal journey through the aftermath of an affair, the painful but enlightening road to divorce, and the invaluable lessons learned about self-reflection and growth.
Key Takeaways:
Infidelity in Context: Infidelity often stems from unmet emotional needs and poor communication rather than a desire to hurt the partner.Impact of Military Lifestyle: The rigid structure and frequent relocations inherent in military life can exacerbate communication barriers and hinder the resolution of relationship issues.Communication Breakdown: Cultural norms within the military may discourage open emotional expression, contributing to relationship strains.
Topics Covered:
Military Lifestyle and Relationships: How the demands of military life can dominate personal relationships and hinder emotional connection.The Affair and Its Aftermath: The circumstances leading up to the affair, its discovery, and the subsequent communication breakthrough.Healing and Growth After Infidelity: Strategies for recovery and personal development post-infidelity, including the importance of understanding oneself and meeting one's own needs.
Bio: Caz Grant, a RAF veteran, found love and got married amidst the challenges of military life. However, her transition from service into civilian life brought unexpected changes and the painful reality of her own infidelity. Now, Caz shares her story to offer support to other military couples facing similar struggles, hoping to shed light on the unique challenges they may encounter. Find @cazgrant84 on Instagram at with Luke:
Contact Luke:
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References in the episode: Region Beta Paradox -

Wednesday Apr 24, 2024

In this introspective episode of "After the Affair," join me Luke Shillings as I take a closer look at the impact of our innermost thoughts on our relationships, especially in the context of infidelity. "Contemplating Infidelity" explores not just the actions that betray trust but the unseen thoughts that precede them.
I examine the moral and emotional weight these thoughts carry, their influence on our relationships, and how understanding them can lead to deeper connection and healing.
In This Episode, You Will Learn:
The Nature of Thought in Relationships - How every action in a relationship begins as a thought, and the implications of this process.
The Ethical Dimensions of Thoughts - A philosophical perspective on whether thoughts can carry the same moral weight as actions, particularly in terms of fidelity.
The Impact of Unacted Thoughts - How unvoiced desires and considerations can influence relationship dynamics, often more than we realize.
Transformative Power of Thoughts - Strategies for acknowledging, managing, and transforming thoughts to strengthen relationships and foster intimacy.
Proactive Communication Techniques - Practical advice on creating a dialogue about needs and desires to prevent emotional distances before they start.
If today's topic resonated with you, consider sharing your thoughts with us through our social media channels or directly via email 
If you're navigating similar challenges in your relationships, remember, you're not alone, and discussing these thoughts is the first step toward reshaping them. Schedule your free discovery call here ->
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If you enjoyed this episode, please subscribe at and leave a review on whichever podcast platform you are listening on. Your feedback not only helps us improve but also helps others find us.

Wednesday Apr 17, 2024

In this transformative episode of "After the Affair," hosted by me, Luke Shillings I take listeners on an enlightening journey, connecting the vast, expansive nature of the universe to the deeply personal path of growth after betrayal. Discover how embracing a growth mindset can lead you from the darkness of betrayal to the light of newfound strength and resilience. Join me as I explore the universal truths that guide us through our most challenging times, offering insights and strategies to help you navigate your journey of healing and growth.
What You'll Learn:
The Nature of Growth: How the concept of a growth mindset can transform your understanding of betrayal and recovery.
Universal Parallels: Drawing parallels between the endless possibilities of the universe and our capacity for personal evolution.
Navigating the Aftermath: Practical tips for applying a growth mindset to heal and grow stronger in the wake of betrayal.
Connect with us:
Visit our website for more resources and episodes at
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Follow us on Instagram @mylifecoachluke for daily inspiration and updates.
Join our supportive community on Facebook to connect with others on their healing journey.
Special Note: If you or someone you know is struggling with the aftermath of betrayal, remember, you're not alone. This episode is more than just a conversation; it's a step towards understanding and empowerment. Let's explore the universal truths of growth together, finding strength in the vastness of our potential.

Wednesday Apr 10, 2024

Join me Luke Shillings as I question the moral and emotional dilemma of whether to inform an affair partner's spouse about the infidelity.
This is a deep dive episode where I explore the topic from both sides. Well worth a listen if I do say so myself!
This complex topic is unpacked through personal stories and a thorough examination of the pros and cons of telling the AP's spouse. You will gain insight into the ramifications of such a decision, alternative healing paths, and how to move forward with integrity.
Whether you're directly affected by infidelity or seeking to understand its impacts, this episode offers a compassionate, comprehensive look at a situation no one hopes to face, providing valuable perspectives for those wrestling with this difficult question.
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Articles referenced in the episode:

Wednesday Apr 03, 2024

In this potentially uncomfortable episode of "After the Affair," join me Luke Shillings as I ask one of the most complex and emotionally charged questions faced by individuals navigating the aftermath of infidelity: Should I contact the affair partner? This episode unpacks the myriad of emotions, potential outcomes, and ethical considerations surrounding the decision to reach out to the person involved with your partner.
I aim to guide listeners through the pros and cons of initiating contact, offering a balanced view on seeking closure, the quest for the unfiltered truth, and the need for personal healing. From the risk of reopening old wounds to the dangers of misdirected anger and unwanted complications, this episode sheds light on the intricate dynamics at play. With a focus on self-reflection, personal growth, and the importance of prioritising one's own healing journey, I provide invaluable insights and advice for those wrestling with this decision.
Whether you're seeking closure, contemplating reconciliation, or striving for personal empowerment, "Should I Contact the Affair Partner?" is an essential listen. Join me as we explore the delicate balance between seeking answers and focusing on self-care, offering listeners the tools and perspectives needed to navigate this challenging aspect of infidelity recovery.Join the After the Affair mailing list:
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Wednesday Mar 27, 2024

In this episode of 'After the Affair,' I, Luke Shillings, dive deep into the heart of healing after infidelity. We explore two unique approaches to navigating the complex emotions and challenges that arise in the wake of betrayal. Without getting into the specifics of personal stories, I share insights into how we can tackle the overwhelming feelings by breaking them down into manageable parts, as well as the power of focusing on other areas of life to build resilience before facing the tough stuff directly.
I discuss the importance of understanding that healing isn't a one-size-fits-all journey and highlight the value of having a diverse set of strategies at your disposal. Whether you're directly confronting the aftermath of an affair or building up your strength through other facets of your life, this episode offers guidance and support for anyone on the path to recovery.
Join me as we navigate the foggy forest of infidelity recovery, finding clarity and strength in the process. For those walking this difficult path, remember, you're not alone. With time, patience, and a lot of self-compassion, healing and growth are within reach. Tune in to discover how to make your journey through the aftermath of betrayal a little less daunting and a lot more hopeful.Work with me:
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Wednesday Mar 20, 2024

Dive deep into the heart of healing with 'A Story of Betrayal: No Place Like Home,' a poignant episode of the 'After the Affair' podcast. In this episode, I'll take you on a journey that parallels the beloved tale many of us are familiar with, artfully connecting this age-old adventure to the emotional landscape of recovering from betrayal. Explore the tumultuous whirlwind of emotions that follow infidelity, the shared struggles and solidarity found in the company of others on similar paths, and the daunting encounters with personal fears and doubts that challenge the journey toward healing. 
'A Story of Betrayal: No Place Like Home' offers a unique perspective on finding the power within to rebuild trust, love, and peace after betrayal. This episode is crafted for those traversing the difficult terrain of emotional recovery, providing insights into the process of turning pain into strength and reclaiming a sense of self. 
Whether you're seeking solace, understanding, or strategies for healing, this podcast episode is a beacon of hope, demonstrating that, indeed, there's no place like the home we find within ourselves after the storm. Tune in to begin your journey back to self, guided by the wisdom and empathy of those who've walked this path before.Work with me -
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Wednesday Mar 13, 2024

Join me, Luke Shillings, whilst I unpick the intricate dance between people-pleasing tendencies and the aftermath of infidelity. I offer a deep dive into how our fears and insecurities can shape our perception of our partners, leading us to create imaginary versions of them that fuel our self-judgment and people-pleasing behaviours. This episode shines a light on the intensified patterns of self-doubt and narrative crafting that emerge when infidelity shatters the relationship, challenging you to reflect on the authenticity of your actions in the quest for healing.
I carefully unpack the complexities of responding to betrayal, highlighting the risk of losing oneself in the desperate attempt to 'fix' the relationship or to become what we perceive as 'enough' to prevent future indiscretions. Through examples, I illustrate how individuals might misinterpret their partner's actions and attribute them to personal flaws, thereby overlooking the multifaceted reasons behind infidelity.
Offering an alternative perspective, I encourage you to differentiate between genuine healing actions and those driven by a need for approval. This episode is a call to embrace our vulnerabilities, confront the reality of our situations, and ultimately, find a path to healing that honours our self-worth and authenticity. Join me in "After the Affair" for an insightful exploration of self-discovery, forgiveness, and the journey towards rebuilding after betrayal.Want to work with me? visit
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