After the Affair

141. I Know Why They Cheated - It Still Hurts Though

Understanding why someone betrayed you can be helpful. It can explain what happened. It can offer context. It can even soften the sting, temporarily.
But it doesn’t erase the pain.
In this episode, we unpack the emotional tug-of-war between empathy and accountability after infidelity. We explore how understanding your partner’s internal struggles, their fears, avoidance, or disconnection doesn’t mean you're condoning their choices. It simply means you're starting to see the full picture.
You’ll learn how empathy and boundaries can exist side-by-side, and why making sense of the betrayal is only one part of the healing process.
Key Takeaways
Empathy does not equal agreement, you can understand your partner without excusing their behaviour.
Betrayal often stems from fear or disconnection, not just desire or malice.
The pain doesn’t vanish just because you understand “why” it happened, and that pain still matters.
You can hold compassion and boundaries at the same time.
Real healing comes when you stop trying to make it all make sense, and start learning how to sit with what is
Have you struggled with the tension between understanding and hurt? Leave us a review or share this episode with someone who’s trying to make sense of their own betrayal story.
🗣️ And if you want guided support navigating that emotional minefield, join the waitlist for our Chaos to Clarity group coaching program — doors are opening soon.
Connect with Luke:
Website: www.lifecoachluke.com
Instagram: @mylifecoachluke
Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com
Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

140. Am I Going Crazy? Real Words from the Betrayed

Betrayal leaves behind more than heartbreak, it leaves questions that echo in your mind day and night.
“Was it real?”
“Did I miss the signs?”
“Is this my fault?”
“Will I ever trust again?”
In this episode, I, Luke Shillings, walk you through the most common thoughts and questions that come up in the aftermath of infidelity, based on real conversations from hundreds of discovery calls and coaching sessions.
Whether you're feeling stuck in self-doubt, unsure what to believe, or just desperate to feel normal again, this episode is for you. We’ll explore where these thoughts come from, why they’re so persistent, and what it actually takes to rebuild trust, not just in your partner, but in yourself.
 
💡 Key Takeaways:
You weren’t “stupid” for not seeing it, you were committed.
Betrayal shakes your trust in them and in your own perception.
Feeling hurt without proof doesn’t make you paranoid; it makes you aware.
Emotional safety is rebuilt slowly, and your body decides what safe feels like.
You’re not just mourning the relationship, you’re mourning who you were in it.
Coaching helps you hear yourself again beneath the panic and pain
 
What’s the question that’s been haunting you most since the betrayal?
Let’s talk about it. Message me on Instagram or share anonymously in the group, because you’re not the only one asking.
Connect with Luke:
Website: www.lifecoachluke.com
Instagram: @mylifecoachluke
Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com
Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

139. Too Emotional After the Affair? Or Just Too Afraid to Feel?

Have you ever been told you're too emotional, or secretly believed it yourself?
If conflict overwhelms you, if you shut down or spiral in arguments, if you find yourself apologising just for feeling… this episode is for you.
Luke explores how what looks like emotional reactivity is often a learned survival strategy, rooted in fear, not dysfunction. From childhood patterns to nervous system responses, you'll gain insight into why certain emotions feel unbearable and how to build the capacity to stay with them without losing yourself.
This episode is not about shrinking your feelings.
It’s about expanding your ability to hold them.
🔑 Key Takeaways
Emotional overwhelm in conflict is often rooted in early survival responses
You're not “too much”, you were just never taught how to feel safely
Conflict becomes intolerable when we fear what our emotions mean, not just what they are
Nervous system regulation isn’t about staying calm, it’s about staying connected
Real emotional power is built by staying with your feelings, not controlling the outcome
💬 Reflection Prompt:
What part of you is afraid to feel? And what would it look like to support that part, instead of suppress it?
Connect with Luke:
Website: www.lifecoachluke.com
Instagram: @mylifecoachluke
Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com
Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

138. Seeking Reassurance after Betrayal: It’s Never Enough Though

You know your partner’s betrayal wasn’t your fault.
You understand the logic.
But still, deep down, you’re stuck.
Still needing reassurance. Still bracing for the next emotional shift. Still terrified of being too much, or not enough.
Why?
Because some of what you’re feeling didn’t start with them.
In this episode, Luke explores how emotional survival strategies from childhood shape the way we respond to betrayal, uncertainty, and intimacy as adults. If you’ve been chasing reassurance, battling emotional spirals, or waiting for your partner to give you the peace you can’t seem to find, this episode is for you.
It’s not about blame.
It’s about awareness.
And reclaiming the power you forgot you had.
🔑 Key Takeaways:
✔️ Why betrayal activates old survival wiring, not just current fear
✔️ The truth about reassurance, and why it never lasts
✔️ How emotional outsourcing creates cycles of panic and distance
✔️ The difference between fear of what might happen… and the belief you wouldn’t survive it
✔️ How to build internal trust using the self-coaching model and ladder thoughts
✔️ Why your partner can’t fix wounds they didn’t create, and why you can
 
💬 Reflection Prompt:
Where in your healing are you still waiting to be saved?
And what might shift if you stopped outsourcing that safety, and started practising it with yourself?
 
Connect with Luke:
Website: www.lifecoachluke.com
Instagram: @mylifecoachluke
Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com
Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

137. When You Suspect an Affair

When you suspect infidelity but don’t have the proof, it can feel like you’re living in emotional limbo, caught between your gut and your guilt. In this episode, we unpack the messy, painful, and very human experience of wondering whether something’s going on behind your back.
You’ll learn how to stop spiralling and start grounding, why your feelings are valid even without confirmation, and how to begin reclaiming trust in yourself, no matter what happens next.
If you’re frozen in fear or stuck in overanalysis, this is your lifeline.
 
You don’t need “proof” to honour your pain, suspicion itself creates emotional distress worth tending to.
Overanalysis feels like control, but often creates more confusion and disconnect from your truth.
Grounding and anchoring practices help shift you from obsession to self-alignment.
The path forward begins by asking: “What do I need?” instead of “What are they hiding?”
Clarity doesn’t always come from answers, it comes from reconnecting with your values, boundaries, and self-trust.
 
What would it look like to honour yourself in this moment, without needing all the answers? Share your reflections with us or journal about the question:
👉 “What helps me feel more like myself, even in the middle of this?”
Connect with Luke:
Website: www.lifecoachluke.com
Instagram: @mylifecoachluke
Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com
Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

136. The ABCs of Infidelity Recovery – Acceptance, Boundaries, Compassion

When betrayal shatters your world, knowing where to start can feel overwhelming.
In this episode, Luke breaks down a simple yet powerful framework to help you regain clarity, direction, and strength, The ABCs of Infidelity Recovery: Acceptance, Boundaries, Compassion.
 
These three pillars aren’t just concepts. They’re tools.
Tools to help you stay grounded when your emotions spiral.
Tools to help you protect yourself, reconnect with your truth, and create healing on your own terms.
Whether you're rebuilding your relationship or choosing a new path, this episode offers the emotional clarity you’ve been craving.
 
🔑 Key Takeaways:
✔️ What real acceptance looks like, and why it’s not the same as approval or resignation
✔️ How to set boundaries that come from self-respect, not fear
✔️ Why self-compassion is foundational to lasting emotional recovery
✔️ How these three principles work together to create momentum and healing
✔️ A practical way to return to clarity when you feel stuck or overwhelmed
💬 Reflection Question:
Which of the ABCs do you find hardest to practice right now, and what’s one small way you can lean into it today?
Connect with Luke:
Website: www.lifecoachluke.com
Instagram: @mylifecoachluke
Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com
Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

135. You Were Betrayed: But Somehow You’re the One Afraid to Talk

You were the one who was lied to.
The one who was betrayed.
And yet somehow… you’re the one walking on eggshells.
Afraid to say too much.
Afraid to bring it up again.
Afraid of looking paranoid, insecure, or like you're the problem.
If you’ve ever told yourself, “I can’t say anything,” this episode is for you.
In today’s conversation, Luke explores the hidden fear many betrayed partners carry, the fear of speaking their truth. Whether you’re still in the relationship or not, if you’ve been silencing your voice to protect someone else’s comfort or to avoid the pain of confirmation, this episode will meet you right where you are.
Because silence might feel safer…
But it comes at the cost of your clarity, your peace, and your self-trust.
🔑 Key Takeaways:
✔️ Why betrayed partners often feel silenced, before and after discovery
✔️ How fear creates a story that keeps you stuck in shame and self-doubt
✔️ What actually happens when you finally speak your truth
✔️ Why your voice matters, no matter what they did
✔️ The first small steps to reclaim your truth without letting fear take the lead
💬 Reflection Question:
Where have you been silencing yourself out of fear, and what might change if you let your truth be heard?
Connect with Luke:
Website: www.lifecoachluke.com
Instagram: @mylifecoachluke
Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com
Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

134. Betrayed and Ready to Give Up? Listen to this First

There are moments when it all feels like too much, when the pain of betrayal, the weight of healing, or the sheer exhaustion of trying to hold it together leaves you questioning your strength.
In those moments, the most important decision you can make is not to fight harder, or fix everything, or know exactly what to do.
The most important decision is to not abandon yourself.
In this episode, Luke offers a deeply grounded reminder:
You don’t have to be fully healed to keep going.
You don’t need all the answers to stay.
But you do need to stay in the room with yourself.
This is your invitation to light a candle in the dark, to choose presence over escape, and to remember, you are worth not giving up on.
🔑 Key Takeaways:
✔️ Why our instinct is to check out or overfunction when things get hard
✔️ The lie pain tells us about our worth and capacity
✔️ What it actually means to “stay in the room” with yourself
✔️ How small acts of self-loyalty build resilience and self-trust
✔️ A grounding metaphor to carry with you in your lowest moments
💬 Reflection Question:
What’s one small way you can stay with yourself today, especially if you feel like giving up?
Connect with Luke:
Website: www.lifecoachluke.com
Instagram: @mylifecoachluke
Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com
Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

133. Letting Go of the Outcome in Infidelity Recovery

After betrayal, it’s natural to want answers.
Will they cheat again?
Will we make it through this?
Will I ever feel okay again?
We fixate on the outcome, hoping that if we could just know where this ends, we’d finally be able to breathe.
But in this episode, Luke explores a powerful truth:
Clarity doesn’t come from predicting the future, it comes from how you show up in the present.
Letting go of the outcome isn’t about giving up, it’s about reclaiming your peace, your power, and your presence. Because the most important question isn’t “What will happen?”, it’s “Who do I want to become in this?”
This episode is an invitation to stop gripping the wheel of a parked car, and to start living from a place of grounded self-trust—even when the ending is still unknown.
🔑 Key Takeaways:
✔️ Why your brain clings to control after betrayal
✔️ The illusion of “future tripping” and why it leads to anxiety
✔️ What letting go of the outcome really means—and what it doesn’t
✔️ The shift from obsessing over outcomes to embodying presence
✔️ A grounding practice you can try today to return to now
💬 Reflection Question:
If you let go of needing to know the outcome…
how would you start showing up differently today?
Connect with Luke:
Website: www.lifecoachluke.com
Instagram: @mylifecoachluke
Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com
Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

132. I’ve Been Cheated On and Everyone Is Judging Me... I Think

After betrayal, many people feel like they’re walking around under a spotlight, like everyone is watching, whispering, judging. But here’s the truth: it’s not always their judgement that holds you back, it’s your perception of it.
In this episode, Luke unpacks how imagined judgement can shape your behaviour, limit your authenticity, and keep you stuck in cycles of shame and silence. More importantly, he reveals how to reclaim your voice and your freedom by learning to question the real critic, the one inside.
Whether you’re the betrayed or the unfaithful partner, or just someone carrying shame and fear about what others think… this episode will help you reconnect with the only opinion that truly matters: your own.
🎯 Key Takeaways:
✔️ The psychology behind the “spotlight effect” and projection bias.
✔️ Why our own inner critic often speaks louder than real external judgment.
✔️ How shame leads to self-abandonment in relationships and beyond.
✔️ Luke’s personal experience with masking vulnerability in his relationship.
✔️ Practical tools to reframe the stories you tell yourself and show up more authentically.
💬 Reflection Question:
If no one else’s opinion mattered… how would you show up differently?
Connect with Luke:
Website: www.lifecoachluke.com
Instagram: @mylifecoachluke
Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com
Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity